Hana

Chapter 10 Akira

Megumi

It is raining when I woke up in the morning. I feel grateful that there was no rain last week. Today is the last day in Japan. I went to museum after my trip with Yuzuru, went around Tokyo with Ruby, went to Waseda a few times more. There are so many new experiences that I learned from this trip. Even though I am happy about my trip, but my emotions are as gloomy as the weather.

Yuzuru said he is going back to Sendai for a family reunion and for the parade. I know he has Oedipus complex to his hometown. Yuzuru must be excited about going back to his home. But as the same time, I am down.

"You shouldn't be." I tell myself.

I shook my head and step out of the door. Make sure the door is locked, buy breakfast at Lawson, and ready to start my last day before my departure. I ride subway again to Ueno. I haven't have the chance to go to the zoo in the Ueno park. I went in the museums last week, but there was no more time for me to visit the zoo. I check again that today is not Monday and then step out Ueno station.

On the way to the zoo, I see flashbacks of our meeting. The sourness comes to me again as I see the cafe shop again.

"This is how he saw me." I murmur, walking close to the glass.

My heart stays at the site for minutes. I keep sighing, but I know that there is no difference.

"It doesn't change. The only thing is that now he knows you, but in fact, that's how you feel before." My mind says.

"Yes, but I feel more pain than before." I say.

"That's because you felt that you are special, but back to the point, nothing has changed."

"It feels like a dream."

"It is a dream."

"No! It is not a dream, it is real." I fight back to my own voice.

"You are just wishing it to be a dream. Don't deny who you really are, you are just a fan, nothing special."

I cry out loud in my heart. But I can't stand it anymore. The pain in my heart is burning my soul. That remembers me a song

But it is the sweetest pain, burning hot through my veins.

Love is torture, makes me more sure.

Only love can hurt like this.

I run to the washroom and lock the door and let my feelings out. The uncertainty, the fear that I might loose Yuzuru, the challenge that I must face to keep in touch with him, the feelings that I am just a 15 years old girl who means nothing to him. I am so afraid that he will forget me and I won't be the special one anymore. He is too far away from me. I am afraid that he won't like me because I am not a figure skater. All of my doubts are because, I am not in his world.

This is the reality. I am not the special one. I am just a fan amount thousands in the world.

I let out my feelings, leaving none of it back. I cry in the washroom for 5minutes. Not wanting to attract too much notice in the washroom, I decide to stop devastating myself and leave the toilet.

"I have to move on."

Megumi

I feel the same. The feelings for Yuzuru is still strong, but I feel like what a fan feels, not as someone special anymore. Everything that had changed was Yuzuru knows how I feel for him.

I walk into the zoo. It stopped raining when I reach the pandas' cage. The pandas are adorable. I am lucky that the pandas are being fed. The pandas put bamboos into their mouth and chew chew chew. Their chubby cheeks move as they chew, I believe everyone can be rescued from despair when they see the pandas eating bamboos. I feel better after seeing the pandas.

The trees in the zoo make fresh air. I breath in and let out a deep and long sigh. I feel relieved. The color of the zoo the bright green, different for the darker green color from the summer and the yellow-brownish color from the fall. I enjoy the view and not

letting any color and view to slip away from my camera.

I see monkeys next to the elephants and polar bear on the right side. I decided to go to the polar bear corner. The bear seems doomed, perhaps because of heat stroke. I took some photos and move on.

I stop at a shop in the zoo for a while. My feet get sore after a long way walking from the hotel to the zoo. I choose a dry bench and have a rest outside of the store.

Raising my arms high to stretch, I exhale a deep breath.

I look up and I see a maple tree. It is still march in the year so the leaves are still a brand new green. The rain drops are still staying on the leaves, not willing to drop on to the soil. The whole tree looks fresh and hopeful.

Looking at this tree, I remember how I met Hana. Although I know Hana is Yuzuru now, I still can't forget how Hana made me feel he is special.

"How can I feel special about someone?" I thought.

Specialness is the quality of being particular and pertaining to a specific case or instance, my dictionary shows. So am I a particular fan that is relating to a specific case to Yuzuru? How about Hana, how did I feel special about him.

"Argh......" I sigh. "This is so complicated."

"What is so complicated?" A voice said behind me.

I scream so loud that the birds which were staying on the branches fly away. I turn around and believe the voice is belong to a teenager. He has black hair, curly short hair just long enough to cover his ears. The boy is tall but slim, too slim that he looks like he will break at anytime.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He apologies.

"That's ok." I said.

He replies immediately after I reply. "Uh... I was just worry about your complicated thing." He grins and put his hand over his head.

"No, it's nothing." I said, and grinning. "Sorry to scream so loudly."

"You know it is not very good to be unhappy in the zoo." He said "maybe you could tell me your worries if you won't mind."

"I know, that's why I came to the zoo, but it seems like I feel worse." I sighed.

"Why don't you come into the shop." He puts his hands in his pockets. "I work in the shop, I can give you free coffee."

"And it looks like it is going to rain again." He added.

It is a great idea, plus, I'm tired and I want to drink some free coffee.

"Nice." I head into the shop and he leads me to a seat next to the window.

I took out my phone to see of there are any messages from Ruby. I am having less hope to receive message from Yuzuru. Even if I do have, I don't know if I have the courage to reply him.

But here it is.

And I ignore it.